There are times when even the closest of friends experience a rift in their friendship. A rift can be caused by the misunderstanding of a situation. To bring the closeness back into the friendship, understanding of where it went wrong and saying sorry can bring the relationship back on track.

Distress

You have personal opinions and emotions and so do your friends. Even though you may spend a lot of time together doesn’t mean that they know every thought and feeling or decision that you have or make. Most misunderstandings come about because of information that has not been shared.

Understanding the issue

You can’t begin to make things right if you have not been told what the problem is. Real friends don’t yell at their friends when misunderstandings happen. If boundaries have been crossed then either the boundary was not known or not considered a priority.

Saying sorry

A genuine apology comes from the heart and includes making any damage right. Taking responsibility for what you have done is a mature and responsible way to conduct yourself. If the issue involved saying something to your friends boy/girlfriend then this may need very delicate attention to put right. If the person you are apologising to does not want to hear it then wait until they have calmed down. This may be minutes, hours, days or even months depending on how angry they are.

Awareness

Consider carefully what it is that you are apologising for. Giving a generic apology and continuously repeating it has no meaning. You are apologising for causing distress or loss depending on the situation. The apology is not to get you off the hook. The apology is addressed to that part in your friend that is hurting and is in disharmony. Balance needs to be restored. Your friend may not have known how deeply they felt about this issue until someone else interfered.

Longevity

True reliable friends are hard to find. When things are upset between you the question of trust is raised. Having the understanding and maturity to say sorry goes a long way to restoring trust. Be the kind of friend that can recognise when issues have arisen and address them immediately. The faster the matter is restored to harmony the shorter the damage time.

When reflecting on years that have gone by and you can admit to your part in certain events that changed the status of your friendships it is never to late to say sorry and take responsibility for your roll in the event. It may be too late to make things right as the people concerned have moved on. If you have apologised then you have done your part in restoring balance.

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When I was a kid, I remember playing with several kids of the opposite sex. It didn’t really bother me that they were not of the same gender as me or they used a different restroom. For my innocent mind, girls and boys were the same. As I grew up, I began hearing about various so-called ‘facts’, that a girl and boy can never be ‘just friends’. I would juggle in my mind and often ask ‘why not?’. As time passed, I too started thinking the same way. However, today when I look back and think, I see so many of my friends are of the opposite sex. So is this belief true or not? If true, then why does it happen? What’s the verdict? Let’s analyze.

If there is something that we look in for a partner beyond physical attractiveness, then it is compatibility and understanding. All of us want that our partner should be able to understand us more than anybody else. After understanding, the ability to enjoy with your partner is also very important. Generally we get both these things with our BFFs. If they are of the opposite sex, the next thing that happens is attraction. We begin thinking that why go and search elsewhere, when we have a potential partner in our own friend. We love being around them, we understand them, we trust them and most importantly we can’t live without our friends. Love! It can be the best four letter word in our lives, or the worst. If the feeling between you and your friend is mutual, then everything is beautiful in paradise. However what happens when it is a one-sided affair? What happens when your friend treats you just like a friend, while you have fallen deeply in love with them? This is when love can actually harm the friendship between you two.

First God created a man, then he used his rib to create a woman. Why didn’t he make the woman out of the mud, just the way he had made the man? Making a woman out of the man’s rib meant that the two of them are one. Today, however various social differences and barriers are drawn between girls and boys. Even if they want to remain ‘just friends’, the society just won’t let them be. My personal verdict is that, yes it is difficult for a girl and boy to stay just friends. However it is certainly not impossible.

Often people refer to the lists of contacts in their address books or on their mobile phones as friends. They relish being seen as popular and well-connected. Often though, when there is a crisis these same people start to appreciate who their real friends are, as some of their acquaintances disappear off the scene. In truth there are many different types of friendship and many of us will have people in several different categories. Some may never have occasion to meet, but they are all valid and often play an important part in our life.

Different types of friendships:

- Friendships at work are important. Many of us spend most of our time at work, earning the money that supports us and our lives. Having work-related friendships helps by way of advice, relieving stress, enjoying the camaraderie, so that any stresses and concerns are dealt with at the time, rather than mulled over later at home. Equally important are the many business connections made through our network of friends and contacts assimilated over the years. Having people we know, like and trust forms an important element in being comfortable recommending someone.

- Long term friendships are the people who know everything about us, and that may be good or bad, depending on how we feel about our youth. Sometimes we grow apart, appreciating that we have followed different paths and sustained different interests. Some people enjoy spending time catching up and sharing each other’s stories. For other people, that choice may be problematical if jealousies and resentments occur when they discuss their varied levels of success and achievement.

- New friendships sometimes appear to have more in common as they are more relevant to our present life. We may share similar lifestyle, children, neighbourhood, gym. Having someone nearby to socialize and share common interests with is an important factor in establishing these friendships.

- People’s personalities influence the type of friendship that develops. Some people may like to party, others may prefer a quiet meal with a few friends. Some people may love helping and giving advice in a crisis, others may not want to know about problems and upset. Appreciating the different roles that people are willing and able to commit to enables each relationship to be valued in its own right.

Ways to develop the friendship bond:

- Appreciate that people have other demands on their time. They may have a young family, elderly parents, a partner with whom they want to spend some time. Many people have demanding jobs that leave them exhausted at the end of the day or week. Being respectful of their situation is important.

- Financial constraints can be a factor. Some people have financial considerations that limit their ability to go out socially as often as they might like. They may not wish to reveal too much of their situation out of shame or embarrassment. Ensuring that inexpensive options feature, like meals at home, walks, cheaper restaurants, enables them to participate without feeling stressed about the expense.

- Other people may want to spend time with us in specific ways, like going for an occasional meal, a game of tennis or a night school class. Accept that most of us have boundaries which mean we are happy to share certain areas of our lives but not others, and that is fine. There may be times when we have to respect that this is the extent of what the friendship has to offer.

- Make time for each other. Any relationship needs to be valued in order to be maintained. Making the time to nurture valuable relationships is important. Being considerate, remembering what friends have said and keeping up to date with the significant things that are happening in their lives actively demonstrates that we care.

We cannot rely one or two people to satisfy our various needs. Many of us have different people who sustain our diverse emotional, intellectual, social, physical, work related needs. And even these areas can be broken down into further compartments. The skill is in nurturing and appreciating the ways that these relationships are good for us; we enhance and improve each other’s quality of life.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.